Sunday, March 3, 2013

Strike Two

I have struggled this week with whether or not to write this post.  I have gone back and forth about whether I should tell this part of the story.  It is not the part I am proud of.  I decided I needed to write it because this blog is supposed to be the honest record of our adoption journey.  And it would not be honest to only record the good parts.  This is our journey and I want my future daughter to know how it was that we came to find each other.  It seems that, for whatever reason, our story is not destined to be quick and easy and painless.  But, not much in life is.  So here is our latest update.

On Tuesday night, at 9:30 pm, Rob and I were surprised by a phone call from our adoption agency.  For the second time they had the file of a little girl for us to review.  For the second time, we read through the file of a precious child and, for the second time, had to say no.  She was not our girl.

Let me say one thing, just in case you are wondering.  Rob and I are NOT looking for a "perfect" child. We did not say no because she was not "perfect".  We realize there will be no "perfect" file. We are talking about children who have spent their lives so far in an orphanage.  We expect developmental delays and medical uncertainties.  But, as we reviewed this file of a child we might consider making our 4th, we had to be thinking about the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd children sleeping upstairs in our house.  We have to be honest about what we feel we can handle.  We had a feeling that this might be more than we could handle.  And taking on more than we can handle would not be fair to this child, or our 3 children.  So, as much as we did not want to, we said no.

It is incredibly hard to say no to a child who desperately needs someone to say yes to them.  It is hard to put into words what it feels like to read these files and read about the place where a child was abandoned, and how a search was done for their family and no one was found.  This little girl's story is the same story as the hundreds of thousands of other orphans in China.  A search is done and NO ONE COMES FORWARD.  No one comes for them.

Who will come for them? Who will come for her?

Too many children and not enough families coming for them.

A friend of mine arrived home from China a few weeks ago with her new daughter. Upon arriving home they found out that their adoption agency is closing.  One of the reasons cited by the agency:  "lack of clients".

Not enough people are going for these kids.  It is hard to know this and say no to one of them.

I saw this preview for a new documentary that is out right now.  This documentary states that " in the past 5 years the number of children adopted to the U.S. has plummeted by 50%".

It is hard to know all of this and to say no to an innocent child.  It is hard, this journey of adoption.  But, we are not giving up.  We are not looking for a "perfect" child, just the child who is "perfect" for us.  We believe she is out there, and I wish I could tell her, "hang on sweet girl.....we are coming for you".

"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you"
-John 14:18


  1. Hi, I have been following your blog from RQ. I just wanted to offer my deepest sympathy in regards to turning down another referral. Our family had to say no to a little girl as well and I know how emotional that can be. We were lucky enough to hear about the family that she was eventually united with. We then accepted a referral a few months later,our daughter had been offered to two families before us and turned down. She might not have been the right child for their family and I respect their decision, she was and is "perfect" for us. I will be honest though and tell you I didn't know for certain till we brought her home. Adoption is a roller coaster of emotions but worth it! Hang in there. Your daughter will find you :)

  2. I just want you to know that I completely know what you're going through. It is so hard to say "no" to a child that is so desperately in need of a family. You just have to pray and God will lead you to the right child. We've had to say "no" too. It isn't fun. I just keep faith that one day soon we will see our child and it will be time to say "yes"!!

  3. Do not feel guilty. Thank you so much for being a place holder for these 2 girls while their forever families are on their way to them. IA is hard. I mean really hard. This is the labor of IA except it last far longer.

  4. It is definitely not an easy journey!! And not for the weak of heart. Do not stress... God knows who your daughter is and you will find her in His perfect time :)

  5. I am sad to say I understand 1st hand. We just got our 3rd phone call and it breaks my heart each time. The 1st time was the worst I struggled greatly. The 2nd time I knew and the 3rd time well it was an agency error but I still had to review just in case it was meant to be. Please feel free to e-mail me if you would like we can chat.

  6. looks like we are both with ccai also ;)

  7. We went through a lot of the same--it was hard. But, God confirmed over and over to us when OUR daughter was ready for us and we were ready for her.

  8. Sometimes even though you say yes it might be a different story once you are in China. I hope this does not happen to you, but it does happen frequently. Ask for updates before you travel if you have any doubts whatsoever!

  9. We had to turn down a file (our first referral) today. It was heart-wrenching. I feel like I haven't slept since we received the call from the agency on Monday. Like you say in your post, we had to consider our children at home and the potential impact upon them. I pray that this child finds her family. I also pray that like you, we'll one day receive a file for whom we can confidently move forward. Thanks for sharing your story with so many people.