A new normal

The time has arrived and this week the big kids headed back to school.  It was a big deal this year because Kate started Kindergarten.  It was a big day for her, and for me.  I have been dreading this day for a long time, but she was very excited and I know she is very ready, so that made it easier to watch her go. 

 

 

 

 

 

She seemed to have a good first day, as did the boys.  Hard to believe we are back to school.  For obvious reasons, our summer seems like a blur.  But, here we are and hopefully everyone will have a good year.

 

Rob and I decided a while back that we would not send Vivian to school this fall.  It just didn't feel right.  I don't think she is ready.  Or, maybe it is that I am not ready.

 

Kate started preschool when she was 2 years old.  So, it has been 4 years since I have had a child home with me all day with no school.  In a lot of ways, it is a step "back" to be home again with a toddler.  But it is a step that I voluntarily took. 

 

We made the most of our time together on our first day just the two of us.  First, I took a jog with her.  Oh, exercise, how I have missed you!!!! Other than a walk or two, I have not exercised since before we left for China.  It was so nice to get outside and get my heart rate going a bit

 

 

After our walk, I just let her play for a bit.  I love watching her exploring the world

 

 

When we got home, I decided it was finally a good time to have Vivian open some gifts that had been waiting for her from some of my mom's friends.  I figured this was a chance for her to open them without her older siblings taking over.  If you sweet ladies are reading, thank you notes are coming!!  Thank you so much for these precious gifts, and for thinking of Vivian.  And for always doing wonderful things for me.  She LOVED them.

 

This was best I could do at  a picture of her with both her new dolls. She was so excited she would not sit still

So now Vivian and I will begin to get used to our new normal.  It will just be the two of us every day.  I have us signed up for swim lessons and a music class.  Although I have to laugh that I will be back with all the 20 and 30-something year old moms, I don't for one second take for granted the privilege that it is to be the one doing these things with Vivian. I feel so incredibly blessed to be the one to show her these things and spend this time with her.

One of the things that has taken me by surprise since arriving home with Vivian is how much I think about her birth parents.  Every time she does something new, or smiles one of her beautiful smiles, I think of them.  I wonder about them.  Especially her mom.  I think about the crazy twists of fate that landed the child she birthed in my living room.  I don't know how to reconcile the way I feel so certain that Vivian is supposed to be here with us, and so certain she is supposed to be my daughter, with the way I feel so sad that she is not with them.  I am convinced Vivian and I were supposed to find each other.  Yet, I know there is a woman on the other side of the world who may wonder about her every day.  What am I supposed to do with that???  How is this fair??

I don't know.  But, I do know that Vivian is here with me and I will not take that for granted.  I may not be able to make it the gym, or have lunch with friends,  or even shower on my own ... but that is OK.  I am honored to be raising her, and I intend to live up to the silent promise I made her birth parents as we left China:  to give her all the love I have to give, just like I did with my other three kids.